20 Years and Counting....

So when does life get easier?  Just wondering if anyone has the answer to the magic question?  I personally thought that mine would be getting better as my hubster hasn't been on any extended travel for several months now, his parent's have well....been doing better...and that's all I'll say about that....and my many stresses have....well....not been stressing me !  But of late I've been ......  STRESSED !  And I don't mean, frustrated with a bad hair day stress, I mean wanting to smack a person because I drive all the way to Petsmart and they are out of my dog's food stress !!! 

Can't figure out what's wrong with me.  Wishing I could because even I can't stand to be around me when I'm like this....then I went to the doctor....LOVE LOVE LOVE my doctor !  He really knows what's up with me and as usual suggested exactly what I needed to feel better...but not before I vehemently requested that he Baker Act me to Club Med....

he didn't.....


*sigh*


But then I realized something else....


Yesterday, April 14, 2011 was the 20th anniversary of my Mother's death.  I can't believe it's been that long ago.  Although I don't cry as often as I used to, it seems as though it were yesterday.  It reminds me of a line in a movie I saw, Simon Birch, where the narrator is speaking of losing his mother and he says that when you lose someone you love, you don't lose them all at once....you lose them in pieces....first you lose their smell on their clothes or linens....then the little reminders around seem less and less.....

I remember her smell....I remember how she used to hold her mouth open when she put on her mascara !  Funny !  I remember how she liked her food piping hot....I mean scorching hot !  And I remember trips...lots of trips with her.  It's funny, I say my kids are the blueberries to my muffin...well, I was the blueberry to her muffin.  She made no bones about it.  There was never a moment that I felt unloved.  She had mothering down to a science....I can only pray I'm a fraction of the mother that she was, then I'll know I've done a good job.

Come to think of it, I'm always weird this time of year.....EVERY YEAR.....but this year it was rage...not sadness or melancholy....RAGE.   I was beside myself trying to figure it out...why all of a sudden this change in my behavior?  Then I remembered how drastic the change in my Mom's personality right before she was diagnosed.  She was 40 when she died.  I'm 40.  Maybe my subconscious just couldn't take anymore and it manifested itself in a rage....who knows?  All I know is I feel tons better now.

And then something really strange happened yesterday that has never happened before.  My precious baby girl, my Addison Kathleen, asked about her namesake for the very first time.  How strange that she would ask me where my Mother was on the anniversary of her death !  We'll never know why these things happen, or the reason for the timing of them......but what a sweet reminder of the precious gifts we do have and how grateful we should be and cherish every day we have to spend with them. 

I took extra care in explaining to my sweet girl that her NaNa was in Heaven with God and she was watching over us always.  Addie Kate asked about her four times yesterday....I hope this is just the beginning of many, many years of her questions...because through my precious memories, my beautiful Mother will continue to live.

Who needs a clean house?????

I just love the little surprises I find when I finally decide to clean house.  I mean...who really needs a clean house anyway?  Aren't the hairball, dustbunnies endearing?  Can't we just be creative and turn them into something fun...like another little dog to take care of or something of the like?  Seriously....the tufts of dog hair resting along the baseboards in my house were so big and so numerous that I could have made a small canine from them!  Just what I need!

So as I was busily dusting this a.m. I was delighted to find that my precious Lilly has been sneaking off and chewing on the corner of my Mother's Grandfather clock !  You know, the one I can't replace ?  Yeah....that one!  So now, along with the beautifully saran-wrapped columns in my dining room and the blanket-wrapped antique piece in my entry way, I've added to my home decorating collection a saran-wrapped Grandfather clock! 



* sigh *



Lovin' Life !!!!!

Busy ! Busy ! Busy !

Wow!  It's been almost a month since my last post!  This confirms it.....I really HAVE been busy!  I have spent the past two days catching up on laundry and cleaning house and to my dismay I STILL cannot see the top of my dining room table, the laundry STILL isn't finished, and I'm STILL feeling completely overwhelmed!

 Last Sunday night was the culmination of many months of hard work for the Emerald Coast Fellowship Children's Choir.  We are so blessed to have a wonderful director, Christi Taylor, who is OOBER talented and has an amazing vision for our children.  Every year it is mystifying how it all comes together at the last minute, truly a "miracle" and God's hand is literally all over it! 

Parabalooza was the name of our program this year and it was truly delightful!  It was designed as a television "game show" with the choir divided into two teams competing with each other playing various games....intertwined in the madness, children would come forward to tell different Parables from the Bible.  I don't know about you, but there is just something about having amazing music coupled with the sweet voice of a child quoting scripture....WOW...brings me to tears every time! 

After the program concludes each year, one of the Sunday school classes in our church graciously provides an ice cream party for the kids to celebrate all of their hard work and for the families to gather and fellowship for a bit in the aftermath of the "whirlwind" week before!  Needless to say...I am spent as we approach this time of worship every year....but every year it's rewards far outweigh the sacrifice.  I love this part of parenting...being involved with the lives of my children and their extracurricular activities....watching them grow in Christ is something I will forever treasure and would never be able to replace if I chose not to participate.  Which leads me to this....

Something happened a week or so ago that made Frank and I realize that some of the stuff we are teaching our children is actually sinking in!  Our neighbor, whom I mentioned in my previous post, was still in Houston receiving her treatments for breast cancer and her husband called our home to ask a favor.  When Jagger answered the phone, the first thing he wanted to know was, "How is Ms. Yvonne?"  Yvonne's husband, Manny, was so touched by Jagger's concern for her that he made it a point to tell Frank how much it meant to him that Jagger's first thought was HER welfare and nothing else.  I love that our child is growing with empathy and concern and love for others.  It made me think.....Maybe they DO listen when we think they DON'T !  Maybe they ARE watching when we think they AREN'T !  Maybe we all should consider our thoughts, words and actions a little more carefully when our little ones are around....we never know what they are processing....and WHEN !

This much I DO know.......

I need to reign it in....
   I need to mind my P's and Q's.....
       and I need to do BETTER....for their sake! 

It made me realize how many times I fail them, my sweet children who love me and depend on me for so much. 

Why do I lose my patience so easily?  Why do I think it's okay to scream at my kids, yet treat a perfect stranger in public with the utmost respect? 

Why is THAT okay? 

I know that my priorities and my values have been way off kilter....and I need to get back on track....to be the Mom I WANT to be, the Mom my kids DESERVE and the Mom that will create sweet memories for these precious gifts that God has given me.........

²⁷ Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
   when it is in your power to act.
²⁸ Do not say to your neighbor,
   “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”—
   when you already have it with you.

Proverbs 3: 27-28

New International Version