20 Years and Counting....

So when does life get easier?  Just wondering if anyone has the answer to the magic question?  I personally thought that mine would be getting better as my hubster hasn't been on any extended travel for several months now, his parent's have well....been doing better...and that's all I'll say about that....and my many stresses have....well....not been stressing me !  But of late I've been ......  STRESSED !  And I don't mean, frustrated with a bad hair day stress, I mean wanting to smack a person because I drive all the way to Petsmart and they are out of my dog's food stress !!! 

Can't figure out what's wrong with me.  Wishing I could because even I can't stand to be around me when I'm like this....then I went to the doctor....LOVE LOVE LOVE my doctor !  He really knows what's up with me and as usual suggested exactly what I needed to feel better...but not before I vehemently requested that he Baker Act me to Club Med....

he didn't.....


*sigh*


But then I realized something else....


Yesterday, April 14, 2011 was the 20th anniversary of my Mother's death.  I can't believe it's been that long ago.  Although I don't cry as often as I used to, it seems as though it were yesterday.  It reminds me of a line in a movie I saw, Simon Birch, where the narrator is speaking of losing his mother and he says that when you lose someone you love, you don't lose them all at once....you lose them in pieces....first you lose their smell on their clothes or linens....then the little reminders around seem less and less.....

I remember her smell....I remember how she used to hold her mouth open when she put on her mascara !  Funny !  I remember how she liked her food piping hot....I mean scorching hot !  And I remember trips...lots of trips with her.  It's funny, I say my kids are the blueberries to my muffin...well, I was the blueberry to her muffin.  She made no bones about it.  There was never a moment that I felt unloved.  She had mothering down to a science....I can only pray I'm a fraction of the mother that she was, then I'll know I've done a good job.

Come to think of it, I'm always weird this time of year.....EVERY YEAR.....but this year it was rage...not sadness or melancholy....RAGE.   I was beside myself trying to figure it out...why all of a sudden this change in my behavior?  Then I remembered how drastic the change in my Mom's personality right before she was diagnosed.  She was 40 when she died.  I'm 40.  Maybe my subconscious just couldn't take anymore and it manifested itself in a rage....who knows?  All I know is I feel tons better now.

And then something really strange happened yesterday that has never happened before.  My precious baby girl, my Addison Kathleen, asked about her namesake for the very first time.  How strange that she would ask me where my Mother was on the anniversary of her death !  We'll never know why these things happen, or the reason for the timing of them......but what a sweet reminder of the precious gifts we do have and how grateful we should be and cherish every day we have to spend with them. 

I took extra care in explaining to my sweet girl that her NaNa was in Heaven with God and she was watching over us always.  Addie Kate asked about her four times yesterday....I hope this is just the beginning of many, many years of her questions...because through my precious memories, my beautiful Mother will continue to live.